Dmitry Voronov

1. Dissent makes you angry
So angry that you avoid even listening to opposing arguments. You cannot bear to imagine that somebody somewhere on this planet dares to disagree with you, or even dares to not agree entirely with you. What this means is that your opinion is tied to your ego, meaning you get a good feeling from believing this thing and do not want to have that feeling go away. You hold your position not because of its merits, not because you have thought it out and believe it to be logical or true, but because you gain emotional satisfaction or comfort from it.

2. You can't articulate exactly why you believe what you believe
When people say things like "that should be obvious" or "I can't believe you are asking me that" it really means that they are stumped. If it was obvious then they would be more than happy to tell you anyway in order to show you how stupid you are. The fact is that roughly every human being on earth holds some irrational belief for purely emotional reasons. If you can't explain to another human being why you hold to something you are probably wrong, and if it does not bother you that you can't explain why, then you are an idiot.

3. You instantly start fixating on dissenters rather than the argument
This is because you are threatened. You perceive dissent as an attack rather than as an opportunity to showcase the brilliance of your opinions. When you are attacked the natural reaction is a combination of fear and anger, not a thoughtful consideration of the other person's ideas, which would be the case if you had carefully thought out your position and were certain of it. You have to be personal because your ego has been slapped, your feelings are hurt and you are distressed as a result. You are unable to respond with an articulate counter-argument because the subject is not one that you are used to actually thinking about, you have always just felt it.

4. You are unwilling to concede any point that does not dovetail perfectly with your opinion
Again this is another symptom of the emotional opinion, the one held because it makes you feel good about yourself rather than because you know that it makes sense. You can't concede because it tarnishes the ideal. It's the same way most racists are unwilling to concede any good qualities to the demographic they hate, it makes the hatred less satisfying. If they are not all bad then you lose the sense of complete self-righteous superiority that a lot of people need to get them through life.

5. Your position is popular with most of the people you know
Unless you hold an unpopular position on something, anything, you never know whether or not you believe it or whether or not it's just something that you absorbed from your surroundings. Most people hold opinions because everybody else holds them, they vote and worship in the same way that they choose their favorite sports team or brand of cigarettes. These are not real opinions, just habits picked up, subconscious mimicry. The proportion of your life given to this mimicry is an indication of intelligence. At some point a thoughtful, intellectually honest person will look at their life, look at their habits and question them.

from: http://www.scolister.co.cc/2008/11/how-to-tell-if-your-position-on.html

Watching Henry Rollins interview Marilyn Manson today, finally sparked an interest in me for writing again. Rollins asked Manson what scares him about America today. Manson replied that to him, the scariest part about America, is how much easier it is to manipulate the common man - how far the government can go. I don't agree with that.

Today, the common man has access to information on a scale so huge, if he mentioned it a thousand years ago, he would have his tongue ripped out and put in prison for life. It's not just the access either, but the ease of it. I'm not even talking about the internet, but the exponential accessibility of information over the past one hundred years.

Think about it, it wasn't a hundred years ago when a common man questioning his nation's leader's motives was not even a reasonable dream. Before democracy you had Kings, who told you how things will go down and their will be done - no right or wrong, like or dislike, just do or die. Then there were various democratically elected dictators, whom the people got to vote for but had no real idea or control over what they decided or did globally - well back then globally meant outside of your town.

In WWII, Truman said drop a nuke on the Japs. The army did it twice for good measure. I'm not too sharp with history but I doubt anyone on this side of the coin knew much about what went on there for a long time.

Then only 20 years later, came Vietnam. The recipe was the same as always - an empire goes to some buttfuck nowhere to bully the world, secure and expand its dominance. But there was something different this time. There were people with camcorders. Back home most people had a TV. The two connected to transfer information about what the empire was doing, in detailed sight and sound, to the common man. And the common man got angry. The king of the empire suddenly had to put limits on places he could and could not decimate. Can you imagine a bunch of peasants telling Napoleon where to aim his canons, because he may hit a school or a hospital? They'd become the primary targets just for shits and giggles. But here, the empire had to give up because it realized it could never actually defeat an enemy without such limitations.

Over the next 50 years things only got worse as the link to the state of the world and the common man became more and more powerful. The empire BARELY got away with it in Iraq. The next one is going to be tougher still, maybe it will not even happen.

The leaders are no longer the sole sources of information. Anything said or shown can be quickly and easily verified on google or wikipedia. The Chinese are so desperate to try to hold on to the old days that they manage to censor the flow of information. I doubt they can suppress the internet since there are many free proxies available, they can't block them all. But what it does do is perpetuate the culture of fear and obedience - if the TV and newspapers say that Tibetans are peacefully accepting China's rule, then it doesn't matter what the 'net says, they should be quiet and accept that they're apparently the lone lunatic who disagrees.

This is further illustrated with people's inabilities to maintain their delusions. The percentage of religious people in the world used to be basically 100%, with everyone believing that God just went "click" and various other goofiness (the flat earth, or the elephants and tortoises supporting it etc). Now, most of the civilized world is around 1/3 atheist and creationists are all but extinct (so the 2/3 of the religious people really only maintain it as a tradition/hobby). The US is the only exception with under 10%, down there with Albania and Kyrgyzstan. I believe THAT is the reason for why Bush got elected twice, and I wouldn't even blink in surprize if McCain ends up winning despite the polls. It's not because it's easy to manipulate the common man in this world. It's because the AMERICAN common man is consciously allowing it. And that's what scares ME about America today.

(I didn't write this but every word rings so true in my heart, that I might as well have. Hell, even the writing feels like it's mine. There are 7 steps but he hasn't written the rest yet. I just wanted to save what he's written so far because I really like it. I'll update this as he continues and finishes)

By Martin Rooney

We all have our dreams, but it’s rare for many of us to ever achieve them. Months ago, I was intrigued by an article on the ADCC website about Royler Gracie’s challenge to Gracie Barra. This challenge involved seeing who could make it the fastest to the top of Pedra de Gavia, considered by many a great test of a fighter’s overall physical fitness and mental willpower. I swore then that if I ever made it to Rio, I was going to make the climb. Little did I know that not even a month later I would be in Brazil for the ADCC grappling championships with the mountain fresh in my mind.

When I first saw the mountain by moonlight from the apartment of Flavio Almeida’s father, I was awed by its power. That feeling only increased when I saw it in daylight. My good friend Sean Alvarez arranged for us to make our climb with one of the most renowned climbers of the mountain, Nelson Monteiro. As I understood, Nelson was one of the best climbers of the mountain and the first to reach the top in less than 20 minutes. He stated that he still climbed the mountain a few times per week “just for fun.”

As we got closer to the mountain the day of the climb, it only seemed to get bigger. Since no one really seemed to be worried, I was unprepared for what was about to come. Just driving along the steep grade and making the tight turns up to the base was making me sick. Finally, we reached the ancient looking cobblestone starting point, and I set my watch, fully confident that I would make it up in good time.

The path started out relatively flat, and I was the joker of the group trying to push the pace. I should have known better. At eight minutes in, things were getting much steeper and so was my heart rate. By 12 minutes, the others were passing me by. By 15 minutes, I was already broken cardiovascularly and mentally. The grade got unbelievable and footing was tough. I was amazed at Nelson’s ease in going up to the others and then shooting down to check on my slow progress. The heat and my heart were pounding. Finally, with jeers from the others, I made it to the top. I did enjoy the view of the ocean and the waterfall afterward as well as sharing the experience with my friends. However, many things about that day left me disappointed.

On the plane ride home, this article was already crystallizing in my mind. The mountain taught me many things about myself, and I reflect on the experience often. I saw that my trip up that mountain is no different than anyone’s path toward something they set out to achieve. That mountain illustrates something for everyone. Whether it is sports, work, school, or life, you’ll see that the insight contained in the next series of articles will help you to reach your peak performance.

We all have our personal mountain to climb. There are just better ways than others to do it. Many times it’s not just about reaching the peak but also about enjoying the journey. The following articles contain my seven steps toward reaching your goals. The stories, examples, and powerful insights contained in these steps will serve as guides up your own mountain toward personal success.

Step 1: Define your mountain

Why choose to climb a hill when you can climb Everest?

My mountain was already defined for me in Brazil, but yours can be anything you desire. You are the only person who can define your mountain and its height. To do this, you must first develop a vision of what you want to do. You must be a visionary. But before you consider yourself a visionary, you must embrace the concept of what it means to be a visionary.

A visionary is someone who pursues their dreams with a cast iron conviction. Your vision is nothing more than a dream with a date attached to it. I challenge you to see that no dream is too high. The bigger your vision the more challenging, exciting, and rewarding your climb to the peak will be. Vince Lombardi is renowned as one of the most motivating coaches of all time. His following challenge is a must for the wall of any man looking to define and achieve his vision:

“A man can be as great as he wants to be. If you believe in yourself and have the courage, determination, dedication, and competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done.”

If you accept this challenge and are prepared to make an assault on your peak, I guarantee that the following will help you get there.

Your vision is nothing without goals

Now that you have a vision, you need checkpoints along the trip to make sure that you’re still headed in the right direction. These checkpoints are specific goals you’ll set to ensure that continued and timely progress is occurring. Goals are one of the greatest things you can give yourself and others in your life, and they are the tools that lead us to the greatest experiences of our lives.

There are four simple rules that you must follow when setting your goals. Rule 1 states that your goal must be specific. You can’t just say that you’ll climb a mountain. You need to state exactly which mountain you plan to climb. Rule 2 states that your goals must be measurable. How high do you plan to climb each day? How many steps do you need to take? With exact measurements, you can easily monitor your progress. Rule 3 states that your goals must be realistic. Your goal must be possible. Rule 4 states that each goal must be completed within a specific timeframe. If you plan to climb Everest, plan to reach the top within a specific amount of time.

Your goals should also be broken into long- and short-term goals. The long-term goals should be aspects of the trip that you want to complete in months or even years. The short-term goals are goals which you should be able to complete within days or weeks. Success breeds success. My advice is to set small attainable goals every day that lead you on your path. Successfully completing these goals each day will keep you positive and hungry to take on more.

Don’t ever worry what anyone else says

You may worry about what others think of the mountain you want to climb. Only you can decide if the dream is really worth it or not. Everyone thought David was crazy to take on Goliath. They said, “How could you dare to fight him? Look at him, he is so big!” Instead of distracting David from his goal, he said, “You’re right. I’m going to have my slingshot. He is so big, how can I miss?” This shows many people are too quick to say that something is impossible when it’s really only difficult. All the peak performers I’ve ever met get excited by challenges, not afraid. You must take this fear from others and use it to fuel the path to your destiny.

Pick out your dream and go for it. The dream is yours and only you know why it’s important. From the words of Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to climb Everest, “Nobody climbs mountains for scientific reasons. Science is used to raise money for the expeditions, but you really climb for the hell of it.”


The only risk is not taking one

There’s an old saying a coach once told me—“You miss 100% of the shots that you never take.” I challenge you to make the mountain as high as you can imagine and shoot for the peak. As I was once told, “If you shoot for the moon and miss, you’re still going to be among the stars.” Research has shown that older people never regret the things they did in life as much as they regret the things they didn’t do. Knowing this, you must set your goals high and go for it. The great distance runner, Steve Prefontaine, once said, “To do anything less than your best is to sacrifice your gift.” Every time I ride past a cemetery, this quote rings in my head. All I can think about is all the people there who would give anything to come back and give their best just once. Most probably died with the promise inside of them that they would someday climb their mountain, but they never did.

Remember, if you don’t climb the mountain, you can’t see the view!

Step 2: Define your preparatory work

The will to reach the peak is not as important as the will to prepare to reach the peak

I once heard the great wrestling coach, Dan Gable, say, “Never let your physical or mental conditioning be the reasons for your defeat.” He made sure this never happened to his champion wrestlers by thorough preparation. This preparation was exactly what I was lacking when I made my climb in Brazil. I didn’t do any research about the climb. I didn’t prepare my body physically or mentally for the demands that day. I didn’t have the proper equipment. It’s no wonder that my results and experience were tarnished. Before you’re about to make the climb on your own personal quest, there’s much preparation to be done. Without taking the proper steps, it’s easy to slide right back to the bottom shortly after you start.

If you have a big enough “why,” you’ll figure out “how”

By now, you should have a well-defined goal that’s important to you. Since it’s so important, it should be easy for you to tell someone why you want to achieve this goal. The stronger this “why” is, the easier it will be to figure out exactly “how” to get there. There’s a famous story about two parents who had a child with a disease thought to be incurable by doctors. These two parents researched and developed the cure that everyone else thought was impossible. Today, the cure is known as Lorenzo’s oil after their son, Lorenzo. This discovery is one great example of how a big enough “why” will help you figure out the “how.”

Failing to plan is planning to fail

Defining your mountain is the first step toward forming your plan to reach the peak. Once the plan is set, you need to develop the system to carry that plan out. The system is a group of strategies woven together to reach the peak. Each strategy is carried out through the proper execution of tactics during the trip. This means that your plan can be fine, but if you have the wrong system, strategies, or tactics, you’re going to be in trouble.

Don’t try to reinvent the wheel

Now, you might be saying, “How am I going to figure out all the systems, strategies, and tactics to get to the peak?” Don’t worry, most of them have already been figured out long ago. The secret is to track down the people who have already created them. Success leaves clues so they’re going to be easy to find. Just find out who the top people are in the field that you want to master and find out the strategies that they’ve used to get there.

Leonardo DaVinci believed that a key component to being successful was to imitate what successful people have done to get there. We choose whom to imitate. DaVinci believed that throughout our lives, we learn to choose the right models for the right circumstances and get rid of the ones that we outgrow. For example, if you want to become a better basketball player, study Michael Jordan. Study what the successful people do to find your path up the mountain. This will save you much time and you’ll make fewer mistakes along the journey.

It all must begin at the base

If you were dropped off at the top of Mount Everest, you wouldn’t survive long. Your body wouldn’t be acclimated. Without spending the proper amount of time on the mountain, the peak is unattainable. Everyone must start at the bottom and do their preparatory work. Before you start the ascent, you must know what physical and mental equipment you’ll need. You must spend the right amount of time at the base and make sure everything is ready before you begin. Find out what type of baseline physical and mental condition you need to be in and get there. Find out what equipment you’re going to need and get it. Read everything you can get your hands on about the topic before you take the next step. Do it once, and do it right!


Step 3: Use the power of teamwork

No one can do it alone

The first person who has to believe in the dream is you! Instead of trying to change your beliefs, change your actions and your beliefs will follow. To do this, monitor your daily self talk. The worst prejudices in the world are often the prejudices we have against ourselves. Talk to yourself positively and don’t be so critical. Imagine if your friends talked to you the way that you talk to yourself. You probably wouldn’t be friends with them for long. Start with affirmations about how great you really are and all the things you have the potential to achieve.

To quote Henry Ford, “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.”

Get a coach and use his hindsight as your foresight

One of the greatest things you can give yourself besides goals is a coach. I don’t care who you are or what you do, everyone can benefit from a coach. My main job function is to make sure my athletes don’t make the same mistakes I made. I do this by picking out their strengths and weaknesses and delivering the information to them much earlier than I gained it. This is something I love to do, and I’ve noticed the same thing about other coaches. The people with the right information are out there. You just have to find them.

The best coach I ever had was my high school track coach, Bill Scarola. Before a big meet, I had a long wait before the javelin throws, and I was hungry. I went to the stand and couldn’t resist buying two hotdogs. My coach saw me and was so angry that he took the food from me. He told me that it would only hurt my performance this close to the event and went on to teach me the proper way to eat pre-competition. There are three things I learned that day—that there were ways to eat and not to eat right before an event (I went on to win), that my support team really cared about me (they wanted me to win), and that my coach liked mustard and ketchup on his hotdogs (he ate both with a smile).

When birds go to sleep with bats, they wake up upside down

There will be people around you who never reached their peak. As a result, they’ll try to stop you from reaching yours. You must surround yourself with people who have done what you want to achieve or want you to make it to the top. The best way to believe in your dream is to surround yourself with others who believe in you. In gold medalist decathlete Bruce Jenner’s biography, he said that every decision he made in his life leading up to the Olympics was based on “whether it could help me win a gold medal.” By asking yourself whether someone will help you or hurt you in achieving your goals, it will become easy to decide who to keep and who to weed out of your life.

Remember that once you’ve assembled your team, the whole team is going to feed off of you. Be enthusiastic because whether you’re going to the top of the mountain or the bottom, they’re going to follow you. Only you set the tone for which direction you’ll go.

Step 4: Start!

The biggest problem with the climb up your mountain of success is all the people at the bottom

I’ve found that it’s the start that stops most people. The biggest obstacle people have to overcome is the actual start of the process. If they could just get started, everything would begin to happen. Most people say that they find themselves procrastinating. This is just a term that means you’re getting ready to get ready. I’ve heard that procrastination is opportunity’s assassin, and I believe it. Get you body moving and you’ll see that the mind will have no choice but to follow. The following saying is one that illustrates the point better than anything:

“Nature gave man two ends—one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then, man’s success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.”

I was with my father at the beach recently. As we were taking his boat out for a ride, I noticed a boat up on blocks on the shore. The name of the boat was “Momentum.” I thought this title was ironic. You can’t have momentum if you’re not moving. Time is the most valuable commodity that you can spend. Stop wasting this precious resource and get started!

Motivation is a myth

Most people think that if they could just get motivated then they would get started. That’s one of the false beliefs held by many of my athletes and clients. People think motivation is a feeling or a thought, but I believe motivation is really an action. The only way to get motivated is to get going and do it. Don’t wait for inspiration to do great things. Your competition isn’t going to wait if you’re not ready. Let your actions change you attitude and your movement change your mood. Don’t wait for the perfect time to get started. Just get started and maybe it will be perfect.

If you know what to do but don’t do what you know, does it matter that you know it?

Many people are also confused about the relationship between decision and action. I often use this riddle to illustrate my point—if three men are standing on a riverbank and two decide to jump in, how many are in the river? If you said two, correct yourself. Just because the two men decided something doesn’t mean they did anything yet. It just means that all three are still standing on the riverbank. What you must learn is that it’s not just about making a decision to do something. It’s also about the actual action of doing it! You’re only moving in the right direction when your decision equals your action.

Sir Edmund Hillary took the risk and got the reward

Everyone will always remember the name of the first man to climb Mt. Everest. Some remember the names of the next few people as well. The rest of those who made the climb live in relative obscurity. Don’t wait until you think it’s completely safe. Take the risk and go for it! A ship in the harbor is safe. But that's not what ships are built for.

When thinking about heading to the top of your mountain, you need to remember three types of people—explorers, pioneers, and settlers. Explorers are the people who go up to the peak first. They take all the risk and get all of the rewards. Pioneers are the next to head to the peak now that the first path has been carved. They still take some risk going up to the top so they too can enjoy some of the rewards as well. Settlers only show up when the path is so well trodden there’s nothing to gain from the view. You have to ask yourself, “Who do I want to be?”

The following quote demonstrates that Hillary knew the risks he needed to take on his mountain:

“We started in deep snow and there was precious little belay for the ice-axe. It was altogether most unsatisfactory and whenever I felt feelings of fear I'd say to myself, ‘Forget it! This is Everest and you've got to take a few risks.’”

You can’t swim if you’re still holding on to the side of the pool

Plain and simple—to get to the top, you have to leave the bottom. Dr. Rob Gilbert, the greatest motivational coach I’ve ever known, gave me a great four-step plan to make sure you get started and keep going.

1. Make the commitment
2. Make it public
3. Make it happen
4. Make no exceptions

If you follow these steps, you’ll be forced to move closer to your dream. It’s not what’s happening around you or happening to you but what’s happening inside of you. You have the power of choice to get going. No matter what type of greatness you seek, the first step is the same—you have to show up at the base of the hill.

Alright well no one's posting anything interesting and I'm overdue for a bullshit rant, so here goes.

This one's about money, or more precisely, what it buys and how much of it to spend. I've always insisted that the old adage of "money doesn't buy happiness" is only a half-truth at best. I used to say that people who think so don't have an imagination. To elaborate, what I mean is that while feelings aren't for sale so money may not directly buy happiness but money sure as hell can be a first degree contributor to attaining happiness. Money buys you the freedom to live the life you want, within reason (well, with enough money even reason becomes a gray area since with enough of it, laws don't necessarily apply to you).

With that being said, how should money be used? Through Felicia, I've been exposed to the (to me) odd Chinese culture of saving every dime that you aren't spending on "bare essentials". This to me is as bullshit a concept as money not buying happiness. The term lacks any kind of context. Essential for what? Life, sanity, happiness, what? The sets that satisfy just those three conditions are very diverse in both content and price, as they apply to individual human beings. The way the Chinese view "bare essentials" and their approach to life, in Russian we have a term which describes that kind of behavior - a dog on a pile of hay. The dog will never want to do anything with the hay but it will growl at and attack anyone who tries to move it off the pile or take some of it away. This is how I see a frugal lifestyle. Sure you have a pile of money but you aren't doing anything with it.

Now, some of you may be itching to tell me that the idea behind frugality and savings is the future - you sacrifice your life today so that tomorrow, you could do what you want. What I say to you is who told you that you will have a tomorrow? What if you die tonight? What if you spent all of your life, sacrificing your desires for the sake of a brighter future, and you get brain cancer and die 2 years later? What a sad epitaph to life that would be, no? If you think I am being drammatic, I can send you some phone numbers of relatives of people like this, they can paint a more colorful picture.

A University professor I looked up to greatly in University told me things like his fridge is from the 1960s and when people ask him why won't he buy a new one, being a millionaire, he says that it makes cold. He is appalled by people who don't wake up excited to go to work every day, that this is what you spent close to half of your life doing, and you wish to be unhappy? I used to look up to this man and eat up every one of his words but as I grow older and learn more about myself, I realize more and more how different I am from him. This is not news to me. I have felt this from the beginning of our relationship but before I wrote off my feelings as character flaws, and insisted on thinking that I should emulate such a successful man in every way.

The kicker is I'm not him, and I never will be. Buying a sweet ass fridge makes me happy. Buying and building super cool, fast cars makes me happy. Living in an unnecessarily large and expensive house makes me happy. Travelling with Felicia makes me happy. Do I NEED these things? Are they the bare essentials? I do and they are. Would my life cease to exist if I didn't do any of them? I don't know and I hope I never have to find out. I do know that I would be unhappy. Some Chinese people will ask me WHY do I need these things? Why do I need a 4.7L V8 powered SUV to transport myself and my wife, when a Corolla will do the same job? Why do I need a race car? Why do I need such a big house? Why do I need to go lift such heavy weights and use drugs sometimes? Why do these things make me happy? The answer to this question warms my heart like a blanket - because they do! Admitting it and understanding the finality of it is so comforting that I can't begin to describe it.

I WILL NOT sacrifice today for the sake of tomorrow. If I need to take out a loan for a third of my life to have the house that I want NOW instead of a third of my life later, and effectively pay double for it, bring it on!

The thing that scares so many people about this concept is debt. But it shouldn't. No one is debt free, except for dead people. Everyone needs something from other people and you have to give them something in return - that's debt. Bill Gates has electricity bills that makes my mortgage look like a fast food bill. I'd say that's a big ass debt. The key to debt as I'm learning, is to manage it. For instance, many people, including myself until recently, obsess over owning their house debt free. But what they fail to realize is that a mortgage loan is the lowest interest loan they will ever get, and surely lower interest than a long term investment. So say you had 500,000 to spend on a house. Say you pay for it in cash. Now you have a 500,000 house... for the sake of argument, we will assume realestate values do not change, simply because they all change the same way, so if you sell your house, unless you wish to downgrade, you will end up having to spend the same to buy another one, so future value here is irrelevant. Now, 40 years from now, your house is still 500,000. You are no further ahead. It's true that you also haven't spent about the same amount on interest had you mortgaged it, so you are no further behind either. But say you DID mortgage it. And you invested 500,000 in a long term, medium-high risk investment portfolio. Being conservative, let's say you saw 17% per annum (if you look at any charts, even through depressions, on a 10+ year time frame, the gains are a hell of a lot higher than that, but I digress). Take away your 6% or whatever mortgage interest from that, and come 40 years later, you my friend, are a millionaire (on top of whatever else you had 40 years ago and accumulated since), with a 500,000 house.

So I'm not suggesting to spend your money frivolously, not at all. I did that through University and it didn't end well (although it was fun as hell... so... *shrugs*). What I'm saying is get off the hay pile, and do something with it that makes you HAPPY! If there is no such thing, then come on over, I have many ways to end your suffering - all quick, easy and painless. Make and carry out plans for stability in life but don't be afraid to take chances (ie loans, or not having a reserve to live on for the rest of your days) because the only guarantee in life is that it will end and unless you do something about it to end it prematurely, when that will be, is a surprize.

This is some bullshit... the Bimmer is ready and today was the first autocross. The suspension job was an amazing ordeal and experience. I tackled my final demons with suspension bushings. The car now has all urethane - subframe, trailing arm, control arm, shock mounts. Camber plates (negative 4 degree WOOO!), H&R Race, and Koni yellows on full stiff. It handles like a dream, literally feels like a gocart. It's so low to the ground, so stiff and predictable - feels like it has no momentum. I can drift it all day long. Went out to practice the night before the autocross, Fei asked to get out cause she was gonna puke!

On the way home, I notice that the rain turned into a few snow flurries. I joked how it's the annual snowfall for BC... and the next morning...




We still had a great time, although this is hardly the best setup for this kind of weather. I tried to rent a Uhaul the night before but the event begins at 7:30 and Uhaul opens at 9. In retrospect, it's obviously a good thing I didn't tow anything but I wished I had the truck there - show those fucking Subarus what 4WD is really all about. It was funny, the cars that should have done the best just got into huge trouble. I drove the 4Runner tonight in the snow and ice, for the first time and I understood why. Well, I always knew why, as Jim Kenzie put it: "off road vehicles just get you stuck deeper and further away from help". It feels like it has try traction when everyone's slipping and sliding... but it does eventually let go, and it's still a 2 ton+ pile of metal on ice and at that point you're along for the ride until it runs out of momentum.

We got wet and cold but we both had a great time! I still prefer if it didn't snow for the next event but this was great! I was proud of Felicia, she kept her cool very well



My 3 runs:





Felicia's 2 runs (I was taking pics for her 3rd):

I believe that the definition of definition is reinvention. To not be like you parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. Completely.

When I was young I had no sense of myself. All I was, was a product of all the fear and humiliation I suffered. Fear of my parents. The humiliation of teachers calling me "garbage can" and telling me I'd be mowing lawns for a living. And the very real terror of my fellow students. I was threatened and beaten up for the color of my skin and my size. I was skinny and clumsy, and when others would tease me I didn't run home crying, wondering why. I knew all too well. I was there to be antagonized. In sports I was laughed at. A spaz. I was pretty good at boxing but only because the rage that filled my every waking moment made me wild and unpredictable. I fought with some strange fury. The other boys thought I was crazy.

I hated myself all the time. As stupid at it seems now, I wanted to talk like them, dress like them, carry myself with the ease of knowing that I wasn't going to get pounded in the hallway between classes.

Years passed and I learned to keep it all inside. I only talked to a few boys in my grade. Other losers. Some of them are to this day the greatest people I have ever known. Hang out with a guy who has had his head flushed down a toilet a few times, treat him with respect, and you'll find a faithful friend forever. But even with friends, school sucked. Teachers gave me hard time. I didn't think much of them either.

Then came Mr. Pepperman, my adviser. He was a powerfully built Vietnam veteran, and he was scary. No one ever talked out of turn in his class. Once one kid did and Mr. P. lifted him off the ground and pinned him to the blackboard.

Mr. P. could see that I was in bad shape, and one Friday in October he asked me if I had ever worked out with weights. I told him no. He told me that I was going to take some of the money that I had saved and buy a hundred-pound set of weights at Sears. As I left his office, I started to think of things I would say to him on Monday when he asked about the weights that I was not going to buy. Still, it made me feel special. My father never really got that close to caring. On Saturday I bought the weights, but I couldn't even drag them to my mom's car. An attendant laughed at me as he put them on a dolly.

Monday came and I was called into Mr. P.'s office after school. He said that he was going to show me how to work out. He was going to put me on a program and start hitting me in the solar plexus in the hallway when I wasn't looking. When I could take the punch we would know that we were getting somewhere. At no time was I to look at myself in the mirror or tell anyone at school what I was doing.

In the gym he showed me ten basic exercises. I paid more attention than I ever did in any of my classes. I didn't want to blow it. I went home that night and started right in. Weeks passed, and every once in a while Mr. P. would give me a shot and drop me in the hallway, sending my books flying. The other students didn't know what to think. More weeks passed, and I was steadily adding new weights to the bar. I could sense the power inside my body growing. I could feel it.

Right before Christmas break I was walking to class, and from out of nowhere Mr. Pepperman appeared and gave me a shot in the chest. I laughed and kept going. He said I could look at myself now. I got home and ran to the bathroom and pulled off my shirt. I saw a body, not just the shell that housed my stomach and my heart. My biceps bulged. My chest had definition. I felt strong. It was the first time I can remember having a sense of myself. I had done something and no one could ever take it away. You couldn't say shit to me.

It took me years to fully appreciate the value of the lessons I have learned from the Iron. I used to think that it was my adversary, that I was trying to lift that which does not want to be lifted. I was wrong. When the Iron doesn't want to come off the mat, it's the kindest thing it can do for you. If it flew up and went through the ceiling, it wouldn't teach you anything. That's the way the Iron talks to you. It tells you that the material you work with is that which you will come to resemble. That which you work against will always work against you.

It wasn't until my late twenties that I learned that by working out I had given myself a great gift. I learned that nothing good comes without work and a ceratin amount of pain. When I finish a set that leaves me shaking, I know more about myself. When something gets bad, I know it can't be as bad as that workout.

I used to fight the pain, but recently this became clear to me: pain is not my enemy; it is my call to greatness. But when dealing with the Iron, one must be careful to interpret the pain correctly. Most injuries involving the Iron come from ego. I once spent a few weeks lifting weight that my body wasn't ready for and spent a few months not picking up anything heavier than a fork. Try to lift what you're not prepared to and the Iron will teach you a little lesson in restraint and self-control.

I have never met a truly strong person who didn't have self-respect. I think a lot of inwardly and outwardly directed contempt passes itself off as self-respect: the idea of raising yourself by stepping on someone's shoulders instead of doing it yourself. When I see guys working out for cosmetic reasons, I see vanity exposing them in the worst way, as cartoon characters, billboards for imbalance and insecurity. Strength reveals itself through character. It is the difference between bouncers who get off strong-arming people and Mr. Pepperman.

Muscle mass does not always equal strength. Strength is kindness and sensitivity. Strength is understanding that your power is both physical and emotional. That it comes from the body and the mind. And the heart.

Yukio Mishima said that he could not entertain the idea of romance if he was not strong. Romance is such a strong and overwhelming passion, a weakened body cannot sustain it for long. I have some of my most romantic thoughts when I am with the Iron. Once I was in love with a woman. I thought about her the most when the pain from a workout was racing through my body. Everything in me wanted her. So much so that sex was only a fraction of my total desire. It was the single most intense love I have ever felt, but she lived far away and I didn't see her very often. Working out was a healthy way of dealing with the loneliness. To this day, when I work out I usually listen to ballads.

I prefer to work out alone. It enables me to concentrate on the lessons that the Iron has for me. Learning about what you're made of is always time well spent, and I have found no better teacher. The Iron had taught me how to live.

Life is capable of driving you out of your mind. The way it all comes down these days, it's some kind of miracle if you're not insane. People have become separated from their bodies. They are no longer whole. I see them move from their offices to their cars and on to their suburban homes. They stress out constantly, they lose sleep, they eat badly. And they behave badly. Their egos run wild; they become motivated by that which will eventually give them a massive stroke. They need the Iron mind.

Through the years, I have combined meditation, action, and the Iron into a single strength. I believe that when the body is strong, the mind thinks strong thoughts. Time spent away from the Iron makes my mind degenerate. I wallow in a thick depression. My body shuts down my mind. The Iron is the best antidepressant I have ever found. There is no better way to fight weakness than with strength. Once the mind and body have been awakened to their true potential, it's impossible to turn back.

The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you're a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.

Just went for a run with a coworker, ran for 18km's and stopped only once at the turn. We only talk when we stop so I had a while to think about things. I carried on a train of thought I started last night and now that we're back, most people have headed home and I'm sitting here all philosophical/emotional with the post-exhaustion dopamine coursing through my veins. How can there be a God?

First a little background.

I was laying in bed thinking about random things and my mind ended up remembering my mom's favourite song, Innamorati by Toto Cutugno. I remembered how we'd listen to it during every birthday and new year's in Russia. Then I remembered seeing my sister dance to it and I got to thinking about her. She was my mom's first born child and we think my mom was given steroids as a an elite swimmer in Russia. She didn't make master international class, just master (master isn't an age level in Russia, it's the 2nd highest standard, master international class is olympic qualifying times) so she wasn't given much but she remembers the coach giving them pills saying they're vitamins. I asked her how they look and taste. She said they tasted kinda nice, sweet and just a little bitter, little white tabs. I knew right away - Dianabol (methandrostenolone).

Being my mom's first child, they didn't know anything could possibly be wrong. My mom had no virilization symptoms (I know she didn't since they're irreversible and she has none now). Around the time she was due, she was in the hospital and the nurse came to check on her, asking if everything was ok. My mom said that she feels fine but she has to go pee all the time. The nurse was old and experienced, snapped to life, screaming profanities at my mom, rushed her into the emergency room where they tried to induce labor. Her water had broken hours ago but she had no contractions. It took them over 3 hours to induce labor and by the time the contractions started and my sister came out, she was white - beyond blue - the color of death they say. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck and she was being choked the entire time. The doctors said to treat it like a miscarriage because even if she lives, you're going to wish she didn't (think Tracy Latimer). My grandmother, may she burn in peace, said that they should leave her in a dumpster, and patronized my mom daily for ruining my father's life.

What followed were 3 years of personal hell. Marina, my sister, had severe cerebral palsy. As a baby, she was in a constant awkward fetal position (with her hands curved in, you get the picture, like someone who died in painful convulsions). They sought out the best traction doctors. Thankfully there are some of the best doctors on the planet in Russia, you just have to find them. Little by little, they brought her back to life, tought her how to walk and speak. Thanks to the Russian doctors on the other side of the quality spectrum, they had no idea there was anything else wrong. What they didn't know was that she was also almost fully deaf to high frequencies, almost fully blind in one eye and had no peripheral vision. I remember as a kid I kept sorta laughing a little at how odd she walks over obstacles, tilting her head down hard and staring at it while stepping over carefully. My dad took a short piece of 2" pipe, said put that over your right eye, close your left - that's her life. They learned these things slowly. The hearing was especially hearbreaking as she would come home from Kindergarten crying and they had no idea why. Later a caring teacher told them that she saw kids walking behind her whispering, and laugh their asses off when she would turn around confused, wondering what everyone is laughing at (obviously realizing not what but who).

My parents took her to a great school for the disabled that wasn't far from our home. This is one department where Western schools fail miserably. Here they treat disabled people as some freakshow that needs a special bus and little portable, keep them separate from the normies and keep them occupied so they don't cause problems. They basically sweep them under the carpet so everything looks clean and shiny, and we don't have to see them and go "aww you poor thing" and keep walking, having maybe tossed them a quarter. Russia, while poor and in dispair, takes it to a degree I would never have believed if I wasn't there. There is a separate large school with a long tradition of helping disabled kids. Not only that, it is also a home for them. Many people in Russia can't afford to or don't want to deal with disabled kids so they abandon them. Half of the kids in that school were permanent residents. The teachers still give me chills thinking about them, one especially. Here was a person with a classical education in musical arts, song and speech - a professional linguist to boot. She could have had any job in the field, including a lucrative interpreter. Instead, she works a job that barely pays enough to pay her minimal bills and buy some food for her and her dog but she gets to basically be a mother to a class full of children year round. She is basically responsible for making my sister speak as well as she does, and learning basic English skills.

She had a few good friends at that school but none really outside. I played with her as a kid but I quickly outgrew her interests, which haven't changed greatly to this day. She is in love with 16th century adventure novels, like the works of Dumas. We would often roleplay many scenes. She has written a huge book of an interpretive version of the whole thing, taking it to a much greater depth of detail, talking about Tolkien level here.

When we moved to Canada, both of us had major problems adapting, the greatest one being the attitudes. In Russia all the kids are kind and decent. Here all I saw was that to be cool, I had to be a sarcastic prick, no two ways around it. The nice kids were all the "losers". That was hard for me to accept. I was very happy when I got to University and finally realized that I am adult enough, big enough and smart enough that I can pick and choose my company. Her path wasn't quite that smooth. Remember the sweeping under the carpet thing? Well she got the full treatment. No, she didn't have anyone making fun of her like she regularely got in Russia, but she got no one helping her either, and that is far far worse. All the special ed teachers just treated her as a regular retard that just needs to superficially make it through school and be out of their hair. It didn't concern them one bit about what she would do afterwards. The other kids were no different. No one treated her badly but no one wanted to be her friend either.

Fast forward to 10 years later. She is now old enough to see through any bullshit. It's not as bad but her attitude reminds me of this girl I knew as a kid, through an association to help disabled children monetarily (non-profit, volunteer organization that would take disabled kids like my sister and ride them on horses, take them to the pool, all kinds of cool shit all the time, and find them donation clothing and toys from the West - and Canada is the #1 society? nigga please). This girl had diabeties since she was a child and now she is blind, 4 foot tall etc and comes close to death on a monthly basis. Last year her mother almost commited suicide, my mom talked her out of it. For her birthday, the girl said, "invite no one, lock the door, disconnect the phone. I am not going to listen to any phony well-wishers or any bullshit about how everything is going to be alright. How the FUCK am I going to be ok? Do you have the cure for diabetes in your pocket? Oh no? Well then I'm a blind, 4 foot tall fat girl who will never be wanted by any man and I'm going to be dead in a year. Thanks!"

My sister is not that extreme but her defense mechanisms are also wearing out. She says things like people are pathetic etc and there is no need for friends, that marriage and love is for shallow losers. But every now and then when my mom gets frustrated with her inability (like watching her pour tea, and seeing the kettle shake like an autumn leaf, she bursts out saying things like "how useless can you be, can't even do a simple task normally"), she replies "sorry I'm such a pathetic, useless loser".

So here is my question, if there is a God, how can it allow this to happen? Even if you believe in reincarnation, what exactly can a person do in a previous life to deserve a LIFETIME of suffering. I'm not talking about burning on a spit for a year or two. I'm talking about decades upon DECADES of MISERY. And my sister is hardly an extreme example, just one I am intimately familiar with. A few months ago we saw a show about these two twin girls who have a rare genetic defect where their skin is constantly peeling. They look like boiled lobsters because they have fresh, raw skin all the time and they have to scrub the new layer every day because if they don't it can get infected. And it hurts them like crazy, they showed their mother doing it and they cry in pain every time. Imagine having a sunburn, and scrubbing it with a hard brush. Now imagine doing this all over your body, EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

Tell me, what did she do to deserve this, eh God? If there is a being which chooses to make people this way, then the only conclusion I can draw is he is a sick, twisted evil fuck (as George Carlin says, also with one hell of a sense of humor - look at the ostrich). I did it all the time as a kid but I still find myself wishing that I could swap bodies with her, and die. That'd be alright with me (well the last part of the idea doesn't linger long now that I have Felicia).

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded

Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the Battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q: What do 54,000 abused women every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.

Q: Why did Nature create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating Cunt once in a while too.

Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 Years old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq ?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

FUCKING E30 GUYS!!! They all seemed so helpful. But RIGHT OFF THE BAT, I posted a pic for them, here is how I wired my starter, is it correct:



No one said a DAMN thing about the picture. All they had to do was pop the damn hood and look. It would have saved me SO much aggravation.

So Tomek was going to send me his starter off his parts car but it was the newer style where the ignition signal connected with a ring connector onto a pin. He was going to make me an adapter since all my wire working tools are back in Toronto (ie my dad's tools :P). He asked me to take a picture of the spade so he'd know what to make. I sent him a few and he said which one? I said, the only one... he said oh, it looks like there's another one. Seriously though, from the top, this is what you see, and you have no reason to keep searching because it's painfully obvious that this is the spade... or is it?



I zoomed in on one of the pics and saw what he meant... what the hell is that???



I had a hard time falling asleep... no way after all that, I plugged the shit into the wrong shit! And what a DIABOLICAL place to put the other pin, it's impossible to see from out of the engine bay, just perfectly hidden. And no sane person would keep looking because there is no other connector and there's a perfectly good pin up top. I still don't know what it's for but... This morning before going shopping, I just had to try. Asked Felicia to wait in the car, stuck the starter back into the E30, put the connectors on and the ignition wire on the bottom, plugged in the battery, turned the key and... CLICK WHIRRRRRRRR!!! DIRTY MOTHER CRACKER PIECE OF SON OF A.. ASS!

Put the starter back in just now, replaced the stupid fuel dingy that costs $100, leaks after a few years, newer models don't have and BMW says to bypass... and took the E30 out for the first full drive!!! It's so cool to be in such a little light car. The steering rack is so precise and quick, the eta motor pulls great! All it needs is a tighter suspension and a new shifter knob and we're ready for the track. I almost tried the first shifting lesson with Felicia but she had her sandals on... next time.

With an S52 under the hood.... mmmmmmmmmmmm:

So here we go... grab some popcorn.

I go to cambodian tire to pick up a puller and a clutch aligner tool. The have the aligner listed but they don't have one. They call every store in the area and no one has it. Takes 2 hours because some stores only have one incoming line. Then Felicia goes to complain to cust service and they find a new one in the back and give it to us. I get back to the car only to find that the clutch kit came with plastic clutch aligners (two of them for different pilot bearing sizes, and two pilot bearings).

So the weekend comes, I get my library bentley and go to work. Drop the exhaust, get covered with shit. Drop the heatshield and driveshaft, more shit. End result on day 1:



I undid all the tranny bolts and start prying it loose. It won't come off and I figure that it's welded on. So I took a screwdriver and wedged it into a seam and twisted. I saw it open up a crack so it definitely wasn't stuck. I tugged and pulled and it just didn't make sense. I tried to find pictures of the bellhousing in the manual to see if I got all the bolts but couldn't. I jammed my hands everywhere and couldn't feel any additional bolts. Then on one of the geartrain removal pics I saw a vague outline of what looked like a bolt hole between the left bolt and the leftmost top bolt. I looked as hard as I could and saw a big hex bolt. The manual said that they're either hex or torx and not both, and only m8 or 12. This was way bigger. I thought maybe someone lost the original and replaced it with this huge hex, whatever. Pinning the tail on the donkey with a 26" extension, I got a 17 socket on it. It broke loose and was SO hard to turn. Of course, after every few turns the socket would pop off due to u-joint play and it was pin the tail on the donkey all over again. All this under a car on jackstands, with the cat hanging on one side of the transmission and the driveshaft on the other, and having a 56" chest. After an hour or so of twisting, it was about 4 AM and I was starting to lose it. The skin on my hands hurt like hell from exerting so much pressure on a 3/8" ratchet handle, and the joints on the other hand's fingers were numb from holding the ratchet back for leverage. I tried using welder's gloves but taking them off all the time to reposition the socket was too much.

I was already starting to get the exertion sweats, something I know too well from pulling all nighters at university - it means the body is in emergency energy mode. I checked and rechecked the manual and I just did not miss any steps... in the manual anyway. Out of desperation, I tried twisting the transmission to try to loosen it and it turned a tiny bit... what the hell? So those bolts don't hold the transmission! I got the crowbar in there and tried prying. It would pull back a quarter inch or so at the bottom but no more. I jab my hand up the fucking tunnel and feel the bolt, it's attached to the goddamn starter. I quadruple check the motherfucking bentley and it never mentions the starter. So whatever, I figure it needs to come off with the trans. I unbolt it from the block and while undoing the leads, the big battery lead sparks. I realize that I never disconnected the battery expecting to never be around a hot lead. I disconnected the battery and continued.

I tugged on the transmission again and this time it came loose about a half inch but now it seemed stuck on something spring loaded. I thought maybe the transmission was stuck on the clutch plate. I got the crow bar in there again but it wouldn't pull back more than an inch and I didn't want to crack the housing. At this point it was 5:30 am Saturday morning so I gave up and went home. I resumed at noon.

I tried twisting the transmission again and it twisted over way to the side. Then with the starter all the way to the side, I saw that it's pinching some fucking tin plate behind the flywheel to the transmission. I also saw the goddamn bolt I've been trying to turn has a nut on it. Goddamn piece of shit, no wonder it was so hard. I undid it but it made no difference, the transmission just came off a bit further. But the starter wasn't off, so either it was jammed on the flywheel or the faggedy plate, or there was something else holding it. I checked the bentshit starter removal section and it said "remove the bolts that hold it to the transmission", alright so there's more than one, great. How bouts a picture you fucktards. As before I couldn't see any other bolts. I forced my hand up the transmission and with my fingertip felt another bolt. I got it off, and after unbolting the tin plate from the tranny, it finally came loose and I lowered it.

The fucking pressure plate was cracked into 3 equal chunks, like it was designed that way. I installed the new clutch and went to install the transmission. Felicia helped me out a lot operating the jack. I realized that the transmission, full of oil, is more than I can lift with a tricep extension. I got it on there and bolted the starter back on. Then I realized that the goddamn metal plate wouldn't align. I loosened the damn starter again but I couldn't get the tin plate to align anymore. It would cut into my hands if I tried to force it. The gloves didn't help much. I could feed all the bolts in except for the bottom right and the top left one. Finally I forced the plate over until I could get the bottom right bolt through and said fuck it, one bolt short ain't that bad. I only need the setup to survive until the winter/spring for the swap, and the vertical moment is taken up by the tranny supports anyway, so if the bolt doesn't go, lick my asshole. I tightened the bolts and as I got the transmission flush, all the bolts lined up much easier and it went onto the side pegs with no issues. I tightened all the bolts except the top one and gave up for the day on that milestone.

On Sunday, I went to finish it all off. I tried the top bolt for the hell of it, and to my delight it went in just fine. I went to reconnect the shifter but it sat in all the way forward... I almost said fuck it, I don't need 5th gear, but then I tried turning the shifter in the ball 180 degrees, and indeed it was backwards, no idea how the fuck that happened but whatever. I reconnected the sensors, reverse switch, shifter/boot, clutch cylinder, driveshaft, heatshield, tranny support and exhaust.

Happy and proud as a pig in shit that I got it all done. I went to start the car and... nothing. Starter doesn't spin or engage.

After a lot of asking questions on E30 boards and email lists, I worked out a solid way of checking everything. Jumping the solenoid poles made the starter spin up. But jumping the lead to the ignition pin did nothing. The engine ground is fine. So that time it sparked when I was removing the starter, I fried the motherfucking solenoid.

So now I've got a used starter on the way, and I have to figure out a way to get the little shit off without dropping all the crap and rotating the transmission because I'd rather shoot myself. My friend says that with a swivel head box end ratchet wrench, I can do it fine. The main pain in the ass is getting the nuts back on the bolts...

So yeah... I feel pretty goddamn confident about doing the engine swap now, this was a big mental hurdle for me... if I can change the clutch alone in an underground parking garage on jackstands with minimal tools with almost no fucking up, then I can do damn near anything as long as it doesn't require machining or fabrication (I've changed a gas tank before too, that was a big step for me as well).

Lesson learned the hard way - unplug the goddamn battery even if you don't think you'll ever be close to a hot lead... I push started the car to make sure everything was good and man this little thing pulls pretty damn well! I can't wait to track it! Stay tuned for updates.

Well, the training fizzled. I got so big that my current competition shirt did not fit so I sent my old world record shirt to be resized. When I got it back I thought the chest plate stitching would never hold but I figured that they know what they're doing. But the arms were still too loose so I had a local seamstress take those in. She also said that whoever did the stitching in the chest should be shot. Sure enough the shirt blew. So I cleaned up off the drugs and am now back to the healthy life. They even started a running club at work, we go jogging up to 3 times a week.

I finally realized my dream of buying a dedicated track car. One of my spare time hobbies has been scrounging used car ads all over the place (ebay, craigs, trader etc etc etc) for that right car. A rust-free shell of a RWD, 5 spd little light thing. Being a BMW guy I of course always preferred to find a 2 door E30. In the past while, especially having been spoiled by the S38 in my old M5, I started dreaming of buying something intense for a track car. I saw that you can get an E36 M3 in Seattle for 10 grand, and I thought that was going to be it. Then I saw that it was possible to buy a JZA80 2JZ-GTE in Japan for about the same. With my new 4Runner, the prospect of having a metallic blue Supra as the car on the trailer was very inticing. I started researching it and while the power prospects were interesting but in the boner ranges they are undrivable in anything but a straight line. Then there were various weird modifications that were needed to make it survive high performance driving, like a power steering cooler (wtf?). So I was back to looking at E36s but it didn't seem right to spend 10,000 US for something I'd use for track purposes only, and the US M3s only have 240hp and weigh 3400 lbs. Then I thought about getting a regular E36, tracking it and slowly upgrading it, possibly with a Chevy smallblock (can you say 18,000 for an LS7 with transmission straight out of GM, shipping included - 500/500 hp/torque, titanium internals, 1000hp after spending a few grand). Except I remembered about some odd problem with the subframe taring off on these cars. After doing more research it turned out that it was pretty much guaranteed that the subframe would rip off under hard driving. The subframe assembly is bolted into sheet metal, and if loaded too much too often, it simply rips holes in the body and comes off, usually resulting in a crash. The only solution is to remove the entire rear end, subframe, and weld reinforcement plates over the mounting holes. The E30 was the only car that stood out as a time tested, proven, light little car that could take all the punishment you could give it. The E30 M3 is one of the winningest chassis ever (I believe something like 10,000 international level competition wins and counting).

I also could never get out of my head what Chris told me about his Corolla. I asked him why he doesn't track his Supra instead of that little old wedge, is it too heavy or handles poorly or if he's just scared of crashing it. He said not really, it's been a long time since anyone has passed me in the Supra on the track. It's just so much more satisfying to squeeze out the perfect lap out of a slower, weaker car. Then I remembered back to what it was like during my first track day ever. I had an M20 powered 525i - 168 hp in a 3700 lb car - on all season tires driving in the rain. But I had a 5 spd, rwd and M5 suspension. I had an absolute blast. The car did not have enough guts to get up to scary speed quickly, or strong enough brakes that would encourage gutsy corner attacks, nor did it have enough traction to be super fast through corners. What this translated into was a SUPER fast learning curve. In my first few laps I wanted to cry I was so bad. Then by the end of the 2nd day, my friend who was an instructor there said that my instructor walked around raving about my progress, signing me off to intermediate level. He said this is something you never see, especially with the old timers like him. I want to say I'm gifted but it was due in large part to having the right learning tool. I had enough time to figure it all out. If I started learning on an M5, I would turn in faster lap times but would be out of control all the time, with my lines being hit and miss. I've observed so many people end up in that situation. This one guy in an E46 M3 has been doing every track day for the past 2 years and I see 0 progress. He is either spinning out on the autocross or put-putting around the racetrack. That car is so tightly wound that it will wrinkle the ground before letting go but when it does let go it rips your head off with no warning or foreplay. As a result he learns nothing.

So I want to keep learning on the curve. I will start with a stock E30, then get some coil overs, R compounds, and finally an S50 transplant (and if at some point 240hp in a 2600 lb car becomes not enough, I can supercharge it). This way Felicia can learn on the same curve I experienced. And she will also learn to appreciate car dynamics, weight transfer and the impact of various setup changes.

And while I was mulling all of this over, I came across my dream. A practically rust free (only some in the lower license plate holes and lower front fenders) body, mechanically great shape but something significant wrong where most people would not buy it - in this case a toasted clutch. It's also a sport, which means M3 interior, lower and tighter suspension and an LSD diff. The car was in the family since new, the dad bought a new 328 and gave this one to his son, who doesn't know anything about cars and works/lives downtown so the car sat at his father's for a year and they finally decided to sell it. It's funny, the guy said the battery is stolen. I came and it was still there, brand new looking. Only problem is the battery in the E30 is in the trunk, so unless you know the car you won't know this. Anyway, here's my new toy:




I'm replacing the clutch this weekend. I'm a bit nervous because this is the only thing I haven't done on a car short of rebuilding a motor. After this I'll have the confidence to do anything, in particular to swap the M3 engine this winter.

And this will stay the daily driver and long haul comfort cruiser:

Rows: warmup,315x11,405x10x2,495x3
Chins: bodyweightx10x3

Good workout but my brachialis was absolutely fried. My arms were posessed again - when I tried to eat it was like I tried to slap myself in the face as my arms bent too far.

Shirt bench: warmup crap, 405x2,495x3,585x1,675x1
5 board: 405x5,455x4,495x1

Starting to learn how to do it all again. The arch is almost there and I think I've figured out how to touch in this shirt, just need more practice. I was very happy with the 675 because I didn't pop it up but still managed to grind it out. The lockout strength is definitely there. 7 plates on the bar looks oh so delicious! :) I'm starting to fear that the shirt may just be too damn tight... I'm anxious to try the Karin shirt again, I loved lifting in it.

Military w/dumbells: 90x10x3
Side raises: 40sx10,50sx10,60sx8

Pecs quite sore today from the beating they took last night. I was thinking of moving this workout to Thursday but it'd be shoulder work the day before the shirt lifting... no good. Felt very tired today and a little ill (stuffed sinuses) but got my ass in gear and had a good one.

Bench: 135xbunch,225x8,315x6,405x3,455x2,405x3x2
Flies: 65sx12x3
Dips: bodyweightx10x3

Felt pretty good after this one (discounting the bad pec cramps, which at times made me look like I had a chunk of muscle cut out from the middle of my chest). 455 felt easy, could have gone for 3 but my pecs still hurt quite a bit during heavy sets. I think there is a lot of scar tissue built up there. If there was something on the verge of letting go, it would have let go already, and I would see bruising from partial tares.

Video evidence showed that I don't come close to locking out my elbows on dips, so on the last two sets I made a concerted effort to do so with good success. It's significantly harder this way, especially to keep balance - you become very upright at lockout which swings the legs forward making it hard to descend right away.

Shirt bench: warmup stuff, 405x5,495x2,585x-1,585x3,655x1,655x0
Rack lockouts: whatever

A lot of progress today. Finally found the right crew to train with, gonna keep benchin with these guys every Friday. The first 585 set I tried to touch but while trying to push it down one last half inch, it fell too far forward, that wasn't fun. I'm not sure what I need to do to touch. Blaine says I need to push my stomach up to the bar for that last bit instead of trying to pull it down lower. I'll get my old Karin Klein shirt resized and see how it fits. In the meantime I'll keep training with this shirt, see if practice can make it work. I think I could arch quite a bit more. If I could just get my stomach up higher, that would solve it.

http://www.opengraphics.com/~dvoronov/Shirtbench-4-28-2006.wmv

Military press: barx10,135x11,225x12,315x3ish,275x5x2

Pretty good workout. First time doing heavy military press straight up in over a year. 315 scared me a bit so I shortchanged the first and last rep but otherwise it felt good.

http://www.opengraphics.com/~dvoronov/Military-4-26-2006.wmv

Bench: barXbunch,135xbunch, 225x10,315x4,405x3,455x1,405x3,455x0,405x0

Shitty ass workout. Found some people to train with but they can only do shirt work Friday so I moved my raw day to Tuesday. Unfortunately I just did lots of work this weekend, plus I had a long day. The first 405 set was pretty strong, the 455 I was already dyin. After that it just went downhill. Next week will be much better, I know it. I can't wait for my vials to get here so I can switch to Enanthate. I hate the T level swings with the A-bombs.

http://www.opengraphics.com/~dvoronov/Raw-4-25-2006.wmv

5 board press: 135xbunch,225x6,315x7,415x4,495x1,495x2,545x0,495x3x2

Feeling pretty good today, so wanted to make up for the aggravation and pain of yesterday. The weight was heavier than it should have because of my hand. The first 495 rep felt heavy partially because the board was crooked but I was mostly worried about my blood blister erupting all over the place but it held together. 545 was a stupid miss, I just wasn't focussed and gave up too soon. As I learned to cope with the pain the lifting got easier so I was tempted to try 545 again but I reminded myself that this is a volume heavy workout so I just did more 495 sets. Left feeling very positive! If my hand heals and I can find proper spotters I'll try 705 again next week. But this week I'll do a good shirt workout focussing on touching and volume.

Sebastian saw the videos and says I have to lower the weight and drop the bar lower on the board. He also thinks I am not locking out my arms. I think I am... but I do know I have a bad habit of premature rackage, and receiving handoffs with arms unlocked. Also on lighter sets when I'm just banging out reps I almost never lockout fully, I should. He also said Felicia is getting a good workout handing off to me, and I'm crasy for almost crushing her fingers on the boardpresses.

http://www.opengraphics.com/~dvoronov/5board-4-23-2006.wmv